So I have not written much because I have come to a standstill sorta. I am not ridiculously depressed I am just angry now and I hate stuff and that brings me energy and hope sorta I guess.

I saw a specialist doctor and they put me on thyroid meds but they didn’t work….which is weird because most people would get a little hyper with their thyroid all pumped up. I just got nauseated and headaches and craved SALT OMG SALLLLLLLTTTT I JUST POURED A WHOLE SALT SHAKER INTO MY SOUP AND STILL FEELING A LACK OF SALT. It also made my heart pound in a non enjoyable way during Zumba but I did not feel any more motivated, or energetic for Zumba…it just made me worry I may die doing it. My iron is deathly low even though I take super powerful expensive iron supplements everyday, now twice a day.

I now get iron shots into my buttocks every 2 weeks as I eat giants steaks (jk but I eat lots of rare beef pho, i prefer pho to most steaks as they are burnt to shit most of the time…don’t even bother cooking it I wanted it rare anyways).  They hurt. Butt shots are the worst but hopefully I will be no longer anemic and maybe feel like a normal human being that does stuff in a non bitter tired sarcastic way. I have kinda given up though.

I am trying to eat healthy, but apparently when you try doing that, that is exactly when everyone gives you free food. And not shitty free food, like the regrettable kind, like HOMEMADE SHIT, BEST PIZZA EVER, SPECIALTY CHOCOLATES!!!! I have cut out Starbucks lattes which both my pancreas and wallet are probably very happy about!

I have tried not drinking….(I just can’t refuse free drinks though…..I pound back water to sorta make up for it, not drinking hard liquor helps!!.) I have tried not taking sleeping pills but yeah I don’t really sleep or my brain will just never adjust to 9-5pm work hour sleeping habits, ever, fuck you people who say you can adjust. I am 25 now and still no success. My brother is a legitimate morning person, always had been, always will be since he was 3 years old, I will forever be a creature of the night….

I have to hide my sarcastic bitterness and my short temper. It’s weird because some people LOVE ME FOR IT. So of course I am encouraged. At work where I answer the telephones, I do a great happy customer service voice because I have had many years to perfect it. Customers looooooveeee it and are like you are so nice and polite and happy!!! And a cooworker told me they are going to puke and that I must REALLY hate my job judging by my fake sincerity. I am not completely insincere, I just over do it because CUSTOMERS LOVE THAT SHIT ESPECIALLY THE OLDER ONES!!! I get in enough fights with my boss/trainer person.



About depressionica

Young sciency/arsty/etc girl who is highly interested in her own problem, depression and mental illness. She takes the scientific approach and is constantly reading new research and self-help books.

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