I can’t sleep off my sadness. It really bothers me. I think maybe it is the Prozac preventing me from doing it but every time I am completely off drugs I am a total mess anyways. I do try to make life hard on myself. I spend money on things then get frustrated by the amount of things I have, no matter how much I get rid of more clothes, I will buy more. I will always need this and that.
I have totally lost my reward system. I need it in order to succeed at anything. Talking my feelings over doesn’t even make me feel better, at times it makes me feel much worse. I guess that is one of the main differences between a chemical imbalance and “normal” talk it out and feel better.
I secretly did not want to return to school this fall after taking a year and a half off of University, Biochem studies and trying to “figure out what I really wanna do and become undepressed with my magical electrical treatments”. Well, I reapplied to get back in got accepted and apparently it was for ONLY THE SUMMER session, even though I was told I didn’t need to reapply blah blah. I didn’t get in and I am super conflicted as I am not really in a mental state to continue with studies and am afraid of having a mental break in the middle of it and fail again like I do to myself all the time.
Circular and stupid and angry and, and, and. Yeah always “and” and always “I guess”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BeXQukB7jXw Always coming second best….
Always falling to the floor
Softer than it was before…..
I love/hate myself and I guess I always have. There have been small instances where I had high self esteem self worth but I just couldn’t handle the goodness?