The next day after my 15th ECT, I was driving around and I felt absolutely amazing. Full of Energy, singing loudly, shaking my legs, signing to the people next to me at stop lights, etc. I have also felt pretty damn fucking angry too. My self-esteem and self-worth or value of life is still quite a bit on the low side. And I probably have PMS X 20. I have always been outgoing but lately I am even more outgoing because people will talk to me no matter what (even try continuously in mandarin until I leave their driveway after I was at the wrong house). So people must think I have quite the high self esteem because of it, I think, just reading minds here.

My point is well, I find it hard to believe when I look in the mirror I’ve even had ECT. I just don’t look like the others with frazzled hair and 20-40 more years of wrinkles packed on. It scares me. It scared me when I scream and yell at a stranger and subsequently cry in a bathroom and wonder “what other treatment could I possibly do?”. I am going to relate it to PMS though, since it’s that time but man this month it’s bad.

One of my best friends noticed that I am more hyper than normal when we went drinking on a Wednesday night at one of my fav cheap drinks/live music places. Yes, I drink copious amounts of alcohol (especially when someone else has my tab), on medication. And I suffer TERRIBLY the next day as Cymbalta increases my hangover’s severity but I certainly don’t die. I also admit my drinking to my psychiatrist and he says don’t drink you will just be more the depressed especially the next day or later on in the night. And he is right. But it sure is fun for like 3 hours. : D


About depressionica

Young sciency/arsty/etc girl who is highly interested in her own problem, depression and mental illness. She takes the scientific approach and is constantly reading new research and self-help books.

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