So I was driving to do the most bourgeois sport ever apparently now skiing. And I mean that because it goes up 20$ per trip every year even though the people working there are making minimum wage and getting taxed a shit ton.. Anywho this lady, next to me, was driving an oversized yellow jeep and obvious I thought that was weird. And she had the biggest trout frown I have ever seen, wearing a dark green suit with a huge smiley face watch and a huge smiley face air freshener. Of course I wanted to take a pic but the light changed. It reminded me a lot of myself, when I work with people or deal with them except I don’t wear a smiley face watch I fake it. I fake it soooo damn hard. And you mil is why? Because it really does make things legitimately easier and when I Am depressed like now doing the sport I love in the sun in the most beautiful mountains and fresh air I used to get high off of I actually think of my shitty past and my shitty privileged life I cannot appreciate. Sigh, wtf srsly this is depression.


About depressionica

Young sciency/arsty/etc girl who is highly interested in her own problem, depression and mental illness. She takes the scientific approach and is constantly reading new research and self-help books.

3 responses »

  1. There’s this book you should read. It’s called The Feeling Good Handbook by David Burns. read it!!!!!

    • I have read it actually haha. It’s more my lack of energy I have problems with. Everyone who meets me or knows me is surprised I’m depressed. I’m always smiling and laughing and joking. It’s getting increasingly difficult with age though to be happy or have energy. Things i used to enjoy or have energy for like skiing or dancing just take so much mental dedication. And I’ve been tested for every deficiency possible as well. Oh well I just keep pushing along. Studying is hard too. I definitely won’t get into med school.

      • Oh yeah, I’ve had problems with chronic fatigue too. I KNOW how that is, and it’s so terrible. People assume you are lazy, and then you START feeling lazy, too- which just makes everything worse. (Ruminating about how much you suck can be so easily with depression, and that’s a hard cycle to get out of.)

        I know you have a SAD light, and using that in the morning helped me a bit. Have you considered having a sleep study done? My friend has have chronic fatigue, and it ended up that she rarely went into deep sleep, and therefore never felt rested. Now she takes gabapentin and nuvigil to help her with her sleep-wake cycle.

        Also, when I was getting off Seroquel, I had MAJOR rebound insomnia for three months. It was so bad, I couldn’t concentrate on anything because I was so sleep deprived. I had to go to a sleep doctor and he gave me Sonata (short half life and helps you fall asleep) and diagnoses be with delayed phase circadian rhythm disorder.

        I definitely understand the correlation of mental weariness and physical tiredness. I’m a super introvert, for example, and if I am too social for too long (like at a big party, or surrounded by multiple people talking) then I start to get really tired both mentally and physically.

        I would suggest trying Nuvigil if you’re tired all the time. It helps with concentration and energy levels.

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