Well, Cymbalta is pissing me off since it’s not working. But more so the side effects and the whole wanting to be skinny like the glorious olden days business. Maybe that’s why my self-esteem is so low? Maybe it’s cause I have gained 57 pounds in the past 4 years…..

I want to be happy about it! I gained a significant amount of muscle allowing me to better at my hobbies such as belly dance, running, swimming, and skiing. I could never get that good because before my metabolism was so high it was almost impossible for me to gain muscle. But man I had that lady gaga-annorexic type body. I may post a pic for proof. And honestly, I have asked people do I look a lot fatter and they are surprised I was ever that skinny and no they noticed a bit but not really and ask me why do I care? I care because I want myself to hate myself. No, I don’t really want myself to hate myself but it is something my low-self esteem part of my desperately clings to when I start to get tired at night. I start googling skinny pics, looking at old pictures of myself and saying “I am never taking this pill again!”

It has been so hard for me to be nice to myself. Ever since I quit University a year ago after struggling for 6 years trying to finish. I am just sooo incredibly disappointed with myself. Even though I clearly needed to quit and I needed to get ECT because I was severely depressed. I also failed to courses (on purpose wooo self sabotage) and got actually quite good grades in the other two, one of my best grades I have ever had of my science courses (It was in Comp Sci). If I were to predict at the beginning at the semester which courses I would have done well and which I wouldn’t have it would have been the opposite of what happened.

Sigh, the point is, I guess is that I am a beautiful woman that gets hit on all the time so I can say I am attractive haha. But I have always thought I was ugly, I don’t even know where I get this from. No one has ever called me ugly. Definitely not my mother or previous boyfriends or anyone! What is my problem >.<‘. I think “Oh if only I was a size 0 again I would be happier. I would deserve life then.” I had to cover up  frequently in those “nothing is ever small enough to fit” days because of my bloody cutting. Basically, it’s always going to be “something” I will hate about myself until well I fix this “hating” myself problem. I admit that another reason I want the ECT to work is so I can go off meds and lose weight. The thing is once I get that amazing feeling of content it gives I probably will not care that much about my weight. I will keep doing the exercise that I love and eating healthy enough.


About depressionica

Young sciency/arsty/etc girl who is highly interested in her own problem, depression and mental illness. She takes the scientific approach and is constantly reading new research and self-help books.

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