I haven’t posted much lately because I haven’t wanted to actually do anything lately not even fun things. Maybe I should have skipped out on my 9th treatment, maybe my medication, cymbalta I was told stay on isn’t working, maybe it’s life circumstances (I really don’t think it’s that), or maybe it’s the fact it is hard for me to let go and feel good.
I am going to go for more I think, if I can, I hope. Most people I read about who have had it done are much older than me and had a lot of memory loss. I haven’t had any. Sometimes I think I forget sometimes because someone says “hey remember that time….” and I say no, and then they describe it and it comes back to me. I would say I get more memory loss from druken nights than from the ECT. One side effect that can debatable whether or not it is good or bad is the fact it is extremely challenging for me to get intoxicated. Whether it be alcohol, ativan other pills and drugs I remain horribly sober. And since I am quite depressed about still being depressed (come on I really want to get on with life and I do force and try to “fake it til’ I make it” but well faking is hard work!) I just want to be able to have a glass of wine and chill. I want to know there is something that will make it all alright. I also haven’t been motivated to exercise much and am criticizing myself constantly for not accomplishing what I want to. I do use a fake sunshine S.A.D. lamp and take 4 vit D pills a day as it is never sunny here. I want to cover my bases and make sure it is not something other than depression making me tired, and it never is…it never is.
Back to the memory loss of ECT. Is the brain damage part of ECT the part that makes people happy? Maybe it should be used more for people with post traumatic stress disorder then? I will keep trying it but my brain is probably too young and supple and just repairs all the damage, maybe. I am just guessing!