I woke up late and thought about how I was going to call in sick. I thought about it the night before as well, but then I thought just go with it. I thought about just not calling and not going to work and getting fired because it seemed to be easier than quitting myself…I have even hoped I would get into some sort of car accident just so I didn’t have to go.As I was driving in wonderful September rush hour traffic to my crappy crappy job, I contemplated how I was going to quit. It took me double the normal time to get to work, normally it only takes 30 mins but today an hour and I was 30 mins late…although they won’t notice probably until they do up my pay check later on. My will power is very low. And got increasingly lower since I really messed up a couple of semesters in University a couple of years ago, although my whole “quitting stuff” to solve problems actually started when I was 16 and I have continued doing it since.
It makes me wonder if people with strong will power are generally not depressed people or if people get depressed because of lack of willpower and the consequences of quitting stuff. I guess the hardest part of struggling through crappy jobs and crappy courses and crappy times is that in my free time, I am not happy. I don’t come home and unwind and I can’t at the moment. I haven’t been able to really enjoy myself much in the past couple of years. It just doesn’t seem like I can suffer now to be happy later…It’s suffer now, suffer later, suffer always. And it’s not even what I am doing that is making me suffer it’s all in my head! I really hope my willpower comes back, or some sort of motivation to keep on going. Yes, I want to help people and make the world a better place but it just doesn’t seem to be motivating enough. I definitely understand why suicide is comforting although, I really don’t want to think about it.