One thing I never ever thought about when I was growing up was my weight. The most I had ever weighed was 115 pounds between the age of 11 to 19. I was usually about 98 pounds, which was quite a bit under weight and a size 0-5, xs. I also could never gain any muscle mass which is what I wanted to do since I wanted to be into sports and running but wasn’t any good at it. I had a super high metabolism but I also got sick and didn’t finish my meal. Other times, I would eat McDonalds twice a day and ice cream out of the carton. It was definitely genetics since my mother is quite overweight but my dad’s side of the family is stick thin. I didn’t have self confidence though, I am not sure why because I got a lot of attention from the boys and my desirable boyfriend at the time who was very popular, and I am pretty sure that is why girls picked on me. Maybe the school I went to was kind of weird like that since everyone (the girls that hung around in my group who were I guess mediocre attractive?)  hated a couple of other really nice and smart girls. I learnt that in order to avoid drama in high school, you are better off only being mildly attractive and wearing mildly attractive clothes and having a mildly attractive attitude so hopefully people will ignore you, at least I noticed those were the girls that got ignored.

            When I was skinny, I had a lot of comments made about my weight which were awkward. For example, I worked in a grocery store which are notoriously freezing cold at all times of the year, and just making polite conversation I said, “It’s always really cold in here, and my female boss responded, well that’s just because you are not fat like me.” I am sixteen, what the hell do I say to that? Luckily, she walked away after saying it. But I still always had people comment on my stomach or ask me what I did to keep my  weight off.”Nothing?” I drank and ate a lot, but I also did a lot of walking. I also didn’t show it off that much since I lived in sweat pants and hoodies (yoga pants and leggings were not in style yet). So when I gained of weight some of my guy friends were like really? I didn’t even know you were that thin but it’s not like the kinda guys I am friends with notice that kind of thing (maybe increase of boob and butt size though).

            When I was on Wellbutrin I went down to 95 pounds and could barely do any physical activity.

 I ate a huge breakfast in the morning and a chocolate bar. I would wake up at night and have to eat. It was expensive! And annoying since I was never not hungry and still depressed and angry all the time. Obviously the pills were not working and I switched to something else. I have heard of this side effect too on other antidepressants such as prozac.           

            Now that I have been on anti-depressants I have been able to gain a significant amount of muscle (I certainly don’t look like a man though) and also a ton of fat. I can dance, run fast, and swim well all without dying! And I am a fast walker compared to my friends (I was always lagging behind before). I have boobs, a butt, and wide hips.

            Unfortunately, now I feel the pressure of being fat. I feel like I have committed the worst crime in the world. No longer being the thin one who always needed the smallest size on the rack I am now a size 12 on average and often get a size large. I am actually not even that fat since my mom is a lot larger than that and so are a lot of ladies. I have also gone off medication to get my weight down and yes after 6 months (I guess it takes it about that long for your metabolism to reverse and it was also a huge mistake….) I lost 30 pounds with no added exercise and probably would have lost more if I stayed off possibly losing my muscle mass too.

            I feel like being fat is evil, dirty, a failure, worthless, possibly worse than any other disease and not even worth my happiness. This sucks it added one more thing to my life I had to worry about, since I became an adult. Honestly, though, the worst people for me were my friends who were obsessing over their weight (some were a size 0 and still obsessing) . I had never ever noticed jiggly arms. Sure I would notice bellies cause that is what we are obsessed with in our culture but I never noticed my arms getting jiggly until someone smaller than me was like “oh ma goooood, look at mah jiggly arms. I need to keep them covered all the time, they are so gross”. And I jiggled mine and then I became obsessed with my jiggly arms, thinking I had to cover them up.

            As for realistic attractiveness, guys hit on my at every size and even when I had a lesbian fauxhawk (I sure got a lot more stares from the ladies with that hair and even asked on dates at bus stops by ladies with this haircut).

           Isn’t that the point of being attractive? To attract men? Not really, the average man doesn’t notice stuff like nails, your purse, and that extra 5 pounds (obviously some do but they aren’t the type I am interested in anyways). I mostly want to be thin because girls notice it. Girls are constantly battling each other for thinness. I want to end that battle and that want to be thin. It’s going to be a challenge especially when girls start bonding over weight loss issues and there is constantly a study linking fat to diabetes or pretty much any disease ever possible (AIDs?). And as much as I am a feminist, I do love men for raising my self esteem and telling me I am hot and letting me know that being successful is hot too! : )

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About depressionica

Young sciency/arsty/etc girl who is highly interested in her own problem, depression and mental illness. She takes the scientific approach and is constantly reading new research and self-help books.

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