Anxiety and getting stuff together…do things always go wrong or I just notice the worst…

….I think that I just notice the worst. So many obstacles seem to just get in the way. Plus my struggle with lack of being able to breathe and chest pains that come more frequently than ever. I have to convince myself I am ok with dying to be able to calm down. It just seems every time I try to pull my life together I get sick or my car dies or SOMETHING happens but I also know I am just being hypersensitive and this is just life. Everything for me is a huge catastrophe although it’s not as bad as I used to make it.

Drink free (as I should be)…. 

My meds don’t work 100% at the moment and I swear anything ativan or Valium like only works once then your tolerance or at least mine is (it takes double the amount to work the next time). I’ve spoken with many people and either they are like me or get completely fucked up off of a tylenol 3 no matter how many times they have taken it. 
I still blaze and I also have tolerance problems with that so I try to just keep smoking down to once a week or put days in between.  Well,  I’ve been super sick but also sober for almost 2 weeks now.  I’ve seen not so much a decrease in depression but an increase in my cognitive capabilities.  I’m very sensitive about “how smart I am” or “witty” or quickly I’m cruising through life so this gives me some encouragement to keep myself from drinking. Also it’s expensive and one beer is 154 calories. I love beer but it shows lately so I’m hoping to lose some of my beer gut considering I would drink a 6 pack and then some in a day. There have been a few stressful moments where I wanted to give in but nah too expensive not worth it. 

Being sick when depressed… 

I’ve been battling the worst flu of my adulthood. Normally I get better within a day or two. Now I’m going onto 5 days and should see a doctor.  The only reason I haven’t is because I don’t feel safe to drive. 
I used to sort of enjoy being because it gave an excuse for being down and not accomplishing anything.  I also got sympathy and extra care. I don’t really get it anymore and now I am still hard on myself when I’m sick. 

I get sick very easily and it often happens after a period where I do accomplish great things. Sometimes it cuts me off of my winning streak and it makes me even more pissed off to be sick. I’ve tried all kinds of vitamins and still take all kinds because I don’t want to be low on anything and have that get in the way of my already low energy. 
Being sick all the time is a big burden especially if your already down so I guess I will have to keep it in mind…. 
#depression

Good little article on medication requirements 

​https://themighty.com/2016/11/dealing-with-judgment-for-taking-anti-anxiety-medication/

Weening off clonazepam and restless leg syndrome…. 

So I have restless syndrome and it’s not even a fake disease because I got my genetics done with 23andme (I recommend)and I have the gene for it. 
I don’t want to be dependent on  clonazepam any longer but like any benzo the withdrawals are terrible.  I get so itchy I think I’m going to scratch my skin off.  And of course the worse rebound anxiety and nausea.  It also triggers my restless leg syndrome and makes it worse.  

Honestly,  I wish I was never given an ativan,  clonazepam or any other benzo in my life…. 

Weening off clonazepam and restless leg syndrome…. 

So I have restless syndrome and it’s not even a fake disease because I got my genetics done with 23andme (I recommend)and I have the gene for it. 
I don’t want to be dependent on  clonazepam any longer but like any benzo the withdrawals are terrible.  I get so itchy I think I’m going to scratch my skin off.  And of course the worse rebound anxiety and nausea.  It also triggers my restless leg syndrome and makes it worse.  

Honestly,  I wish I was never given an ativan,  clonazepam or any other benzo in my life and 

Time to see psychiatrist again!  In angry phase instead of depressed phase not sure which is worse….

The only relief I get from my depression is when I’m going through an angry phase.  I think my brain just gets so tired of being tired and rebels. Unfortunately,  I lose it quite badly at people when it is totally uncalled for. I just don’t have an off button and if I drink it’s even worse.  I’m still deeply tired and stressed.  I’m taking a lot of supplements in addition to my medications cymbalta and abilify.  They used to work quite well but now I’m debating if I should even take them considering the prices and the fact I feel fucking insane. I’m trying to do the exercise thing and what not but it’s just not enough.  

#depression #psychiatrist #abilify #cymbalta 

I’ve become too reliant on benzos and other substances 

I was quite ecstatic to try Ability again because it would for me in the past.  Just 2mg plus my Cymbalta was enough. But now I’m drinking too much and taking all kinds of downers and sometimes uppers because I’m just so FUCKING sick of feeling like shit. 

I know happiness is not a constant feeling but just to feel OK. Enough to get shit done.  To want to keep going…. 

Long time no post…. Unfortunately not do to any significant improvements! 

I can’t remember the last time I posted but I’ve gone down hill. In many ways, I’m beginning to think I’m borderline as I cannot let good things happen to me unless I’m wasted and still then I punish myself.  So much good and bad and sorta growing up I don’t want to do. I just want to run away. 

I’m really miserable

Source: I’m really miserable