Living with Low Energy-If I Had the Energy I Would Do More…

It’s not about motivation its lack of energy….

I am so envious of high energy people. I see them accomplishing above and beyond what the average person can or at least not getting winded by simply living.

Since I was a baby, that’s right since I was an infant, I chose to sleep as much as I could. I even slept through all of my nightly feedings. My mom thought I was dead!

Being a low energy person sucks. It impacts every single thing you do in life. Often things are either left undone or done poorly because I need to rest so frequently. Of course, there could always be an underlying cause such as low iron but I have been tested for pretty much everything that can be tested since I was 18.

I have experimented with supplements to increase energy but haven’t had much luck. The only one that has a mild effect once in awhile is creatine. Some medication works but I find they lose their efficiency quite fast so it may work one day and the next you might need double the dose (which is not recommended without doctor’s advice).

Sometimes I get so tired I can even fall asleep after a pot of coffee and I end up spending the entire day in bed. I feel bad for anyone with Chronic Fatigue and I often wonder if I have it as well. There isn’t much research on the condition or treatment but it’s a terrible disease. I think one of the reasons for lack of research is the fact some people still don’t believe it’s real and that it’s simply a matter of willpower. This is also an issue with depression.

Anxiety also has an impact on my ability to get things done. It can be paralyzing rather than motivating and I can’t even move. Usually this happens when I feel like I have a bunch of energy built up.

I hope I can have normal energy level but for a now life will continue to take enormous amounts effort. If I had the energy, I would do more, and do it better!



The Relationship Between Self-sabotage, Productivity, and Procrastination

You’re getting things done, going to the gym eating somewhat healthy, making important phone calls, waking up on time and feeling good about it. Then your brain kicks in, the guilt/shame kicks in, and like some terrible form of homeostasis you start to feel bad. You start to put off dishes, tell yourself you’ll go to the gym later, just eat this one thing now and slowly life goes back to constant procrastination.

I struggle with this self-sabotaging phenomena regularly, especially if I am starting to feel good. One reason for this is self-hate. I don’t feel like I deserve to feel good, deep down. Another could be the resistance to change. This inclination to self-sabotage diminishes my productivity almost completely. All of this combined usually lead to an increase of depressive symptoms from lack of accomplishment and self-care.

In order to fight back, I have to think and act deliberately and often against my gut feelings. I am also working on cultivating self-love. There is this invisible force inside of me that is so anti-self love it makes for a huge challenge. Self-love feels wrong. Yet, I know consciously I just have to make this change or my life will remain a constant struggle and my depression will remain.


Can’t change my situation…this year I’ll try to change my mind #mindsetreset

2018 was a bad year for me in all aspects of my life including relationships, health, career-wise, and accomplishing what I want.

Despite hating myself and feeling like shit, I started to work on myself mentally and emotionally. I keep track of my progress in my agenda and using an app called Daylio.

I have seen hundreds of self-help videos and one of my favorite speakers I came across was Mel Robbins. Her most popular TED talk is self-sabotage something that I struggle with daily. It’s what is holding me back from achieving my goals and living the life I truly desire.

Here is her video:

How to stop screwing yourself over

Part of what is preventing me from accomplishing goals, is making the decision on what to focus on. There’s so much I want to change about my life that I can’t even start or focus on a task long enough to complete it. But I also know that I have an underlying belief that I don’t deserve anything I desire…

Robbins states, “Motivation is never there when we need it.” People, including myself, wait for motivation and “feeling like doing something” before we start.

I have convinced myself that I need to feel good all the time. I base my actions on how I feel in the moment and most of the time I feel pretty shitty. And when I feel bad, I don’t feel good. I have this belief that I should only do things when I feel good because otherwise, what is the point? Why suffer?

I realize now that to get going accomplishing a goal I have to “suffer” a bit even though I absolutely hate unnecessary suffering. I also understand that I might not actually be suffering and my interpretation might be wrong. But that’s a whole ‘nother story.

She reiterates you have to force yourself to change. Forcing myself to do anything feels uncomfortable and when I am uncomfortable I tend to get annoyed and I get mad. I have a belief that being mad is “bad”. Once I am in a bad mood it’s even more challenging to focus and be productive so I have to break this cycle. It feels like there is this giant force trying to stop me but at the same time I don’t even know what it is.

To break away from a routine is going to require force. I hate this. When I already feel like shit trying to accomplish something seems as easy as “pulling myself up by my boot straps”. I struggle and pull as hard as I can but nothing happens. Yet I can’t help myself and keep wasting energy pulling because I have to feel like I am trying or else anxiety sets in.

Our brain loves autopilot because our brain wants to take the path of least resistance. Why? My guess is to conserve energy.

Getting back to mindset. I have a poor mindset and since I have tried to improve my life and failed over and over I am going to try a different approach. I’m going to follow a program instead of just “wishing” things would change on their own. I chose to do Mel Robbins’ guide to goal setting because I like her, I like her ideas and it’s free.

I research concepts that are hard to understand like visualization of goals so that I can fully comprehend and put them to use.

This year I will change my life around or at least figure out what I even mean by that.

Aversion to Everything Leaves Nothing to be Desired…

I am reading a book that combines the ancient teachings of yoga with the 12 steps. I am not currently working on the 12 steps in a program because I’m on the fence (Or some say I might be in denial or a dry drunk). However, the reason why I don’t feel I need the 12 steps is that I lose my negative behavior and character defects soon as I take away substances and get through the withdrawals. Anyways I know excuses, excuses.

Maybe it’s just another aversion?

The author talks about not just having an aversion to negative aspects of life but also positive ones like being successful and love. But I never realized how much this is sabotaging my overall success in life.

I desperately want to succeed but at the same time want everything to stay the same. I want to achieve and accomplish great things but that would mean change, which I always resisting.

I even have an aversion to having an aversion! What a dilemma.

I used to wonder what my life could get so bad at times and if I had any control over my view of life and its predicaments.

Now I am starting to see how attachment and clinging to impermanent, unsatisfying, and negative parts of life plays a good factor in my misery. This could explain why it feels like my antidepressants feel like they don’t work completely. I have a lot of bad habits and an increase in serotonin doesn’t necessarily mean they will stop…

I already practice yoga at least once a week and I’m excited to be able to maximize the benefits in terms of recovery. It will be the lifestyle and keeping calm off the mat that will be the challenge? (I can already feel the aversion to this building up now…)


My Fucked Up Relationship With My Parents

It’s always time to stop caring what my parents think. But I do. I am successful because I care what my parents think.

Otherwise, I truly think you are as successful as you want to be.

Success is not permanent for me. Life is tiring because of this for me.

I still want to be a great success with a great paying career….great life.

Why is it so hard? I am envious of people that just don’t care say and do what they want.

Should I care what my parents think as an adult? No we should live for ourselves. But what if we hate ourselves so deeply we can’t care. To want good for ourselves because of someone else must be good. It’s better than nothing. Or is it?

It’s hard to say. We only have one life. We should make the most of it. I am different from my parents. It’s a different time. That’s all.

Hitting the Progress Wall…

I am feeling uninspired and resistant to new information and change. It’s like writer’s block but therapy-wise.

Yet I am happy because my mind has put some of its stressful circular arguments away.

I don’t know what to do in this situation. I don’t want to go back to being super depressed constantly yet I need to face some issues before the emotions hit me by surprise.

One of the reasons I am stalling is because I am afraid my emotions will kill me. I don’t know why but I have this aversion to emotions, and I think I can’t handle/stand them.

So far, I’ve lived through every single emotional reaction I’ve ever had. I didn’t even get that hurt.

But how do I process something that bothers me? How do I cope with feelings instead of pushing them away?

I am not sure yet but I will continue to search for answers.


Decisions…When Choices Seem To Equal Regrets

It took me a long time to decide on this topic but I have always had problems making decisions which makes a bigger problem out of a problem.

Decisions what to do with my life, what major, what I am gonna wear, what I’m going to eat oh, what am I going to say…

Each second in life comes with a new decision.

And with every decision comes potential regret

And boy isn’t it easy for a depressive mind to regret? As if the past was different I wouldn’t be depressed….

I want choices.

Yet for me it feels absolutely terrible to be in the middle of deciding.

Mostly because I can never make up my mind for fear of making the wrong choice. So what can I do to make the best possible decisions that lead to the least amount of regrets?

On a multiple choice test, I have been told to go with the first answer I’m drawn to and not to question it. But does this rule apply to big decisions in life question mark do I already know the answer but am just too afraid to make the choice? Hard to say.

Emotionally charged choices tend to be the ones I regret the most. Especially if I’m in a bad mood I’m definitely less open to new ideas. So that could be a sign want to jump to the first conclusion.

I’ve heard indecisiveness is a symptom of depression. It’s hard to be confident and make decisions when depressed. Often whatever options that you have to choose from all they seem to suck in the moment if I have a negative mindset (and sometimes the choices do actually suck).

I want to make faster decisions in my life. Just because I can get stuck contemplating to the point where the decision becomes even harder to make.

To do this I will give myself deadlines and stick to them and won’t waste time on small decisions like what to have for lunch anymore.

Decisions are hard but they mean that life has choices. And choices can set you free.


Patientence-Always Waiting, Never Feeling

I am an impatient person.

Inpatience makes life more unpleasant than it should be.

As a kid I had much more patience because I thought I would grow up and not have to wait anymore.

That’s completely untrue. Adult life seems to be a constant wait. Waiting for work to end, meetings to end, to go home, go to bed, go to sleep, for something else other than what is happening right now.

Part of this is because of depression and never feeling good. Thinking the grass is greener on the other side (or the next thing will finally satisfy me). But no, it’s never greener although in the distance is always a lush green mountain that I can’t wait to get to the other side of.

Another aspect that causes me to be impatient is an aversion to bad feelings. Sometimes this fuels addiction or depressive moods because I don’t want to “waste my time” feeling bad. I’ve felt bad for so long it’s only fair I can escape…

It never happens. And if it does the feelings just return often worse than before.

Why I should be more patient? Why is patience valued?

Well when I’m impatient I’m impulsive and anger easily. I don’t make good decisions and can be rude.

I think patience is valued because it can help people make better decisions and less mistakes.

With this in mind, I want to start taking life slower and try to appreciate the moment no matter how boring. 🙂


Bending the Truth-Lying as a Coping Mechanism

Yeah I am looking for a job…

No, I didn’t sleep all day…

Sure, I will give them a call…

Yeah, we should hang out sometime…

It’s hard to admit but these are just some of the lies I have used to get by and not get in trouble. Lying is a bad habit but why does it start?

For me, it’s been part of my mental health problems. I want to seem like I am doing good and living a productive life. Why? Because if not I have to pack my bags and go on a guilt trip. Lying is easier than explaining why you did or did not do something. And when you have limited energy and feel like shit I want to conserve all the energy I have. It also stems from childhood. My parents are the freaking out at any little thing type and obviously I wanted to avoid this so I would bend the truth anyway I could to protect myself.

I don’t want to have to lie though yet it is a such a hard habit to break! The fear of getting in trouble always seems to outweigh telling the truth.

One part I like about AA/NA is that you have to become rigorously honest. It even goes as far as to state that people that fail in the program that aren’t completely honest. I am getting inspired by how honest people people are in the rooms and it makes me want to be a better person. It is a safe space to be honest though and I find people are the least judgmental there.

I am slowly learning to break the habit though my first instinct is always to protect myself and that can involve lying. I don’t know any skills to improve upon this except admitting when I am wrong and striving to tell the truth no matter what the consequence. I am starting to learn now that the truth will set me free!

Connected but not Connecting

I hate loneliness. I don’t understand loneliness but I still experience it.

It is such a strange emotion to me but even with friends I’ve felt this big hole in my soul that could never be filled. It’s hard to describe it and it’s difficult to say if it’s actual loneliness or just depression when it happens. Maybe social interaction is just a distraction from the depression making me think I was lonely since the feelings subsided with people.

Still, I don’t know how to connect. I feel like I am bad with people and don’t make friends easily. This may or may not be true. People that are friendly always seems to want something from me (like money) but it might just be me dwelling on specific people/instances.

I have to remember that if I exist, there’s gotta be other decent people out there looking for real friends.

One thing I know for sure, texting/messaging never feels as good as hearing someone’s voice and even better than that is talking to someone in person.

Connecting comes with a risk of rejection. This is where the fear comes in but I have learnt to not take offence so easily in the past couple of years and give people multiple chances. I am not perfect either. I’ve realized that rejection can be good and prevents time from being wasted and superficial relationships being formed. Besides, I don’t like everyone so why should I expect everyone to like me?

I hope to learn more about connecting with others, make new friends and grow my relationships (whatever the frick that means) this year.

Why is Change So Damn Hard When it’s Good…(and so easy when it’s bad)

As far back as I can remember I’ve wanted change. I remember being a child who was dissatisfied with life. I didn’t like myself for a list of reasons, the world, people, my home, my parents, school and this list went on. The only thing I could actually change was myself but I felt powerless and seemed to mess up every social opportunity (in my eyes).

I gave myself hope for the future by clinging to the idea that life would be perfect and easy once I had the freedom of being an adult. I vowed to never become a sad, miserable, stressed out adult like most I observed.

Slowly I became exactly that.

I became a drinker, procrastinator and a practiced hater of life. I wasn’t prepared for adulthood and generally slid into bad habits that made me feel worse even though I was almost completely aware of my actions/consequences.

But why does this happen? Why is it so easy to slip into bad habits and so hard to maintain good ones?

Part of it for me is my obsession with self-hate. I saw other girls hate themselves into being popular and thin. It seemed normal to put one’s self down in order to make others feel better. Girls would relate and fight over who was fatter or uglier. The message to be “humble” is to put other’s first but that involves putting yourself last. In order to be successful at anything, I truly believed, I had to restrict and punish myself.

Another reason is I always feel like I deserve punishment. As a child, one form of punishment was to “think about what I’ve done”. Basically to feel guilt and shame. And it was like if you didn’t you were a psychopath and terrible person. So I started doing this to myself to try to avoid making mistakes in the future and getting in trouble.

One thing I noticed though was that happy people didn’t do this much and seemed to love themselves more. I wanted to be happy but felt I didn’t deserve it.

It’s taken me years and years to develop such an unhealthy view of myself and I think it will take me a long time to change.

Back to Being Anonymous….Back to AA/NA

I’ve managed to drastically reduce my substance use and I am not lying, I feel amazing!

Brain fog is gone. I remember things better. I speak better. I act like a better person because of it. Being proud of myself does make my mental health better.

Yet I still binge about once a week.

And I want to stop.

It’s not helping me. It’s hurting me and the others around me. But it’s so hard when it’s such an ingrained habit not to mention the withdrawal and my brain telling me it’s ok…

A good analogy about why it’s so damn hard stopping substance use is diet. Have you ever tried dieting? How long did it last? How long did you go without craving and longing for something unhealthy? It’s a powerful feeling and after a long hard stressful day it’s hard to beat.

I hope I have made the right decision to get back into groups whether it be AA/NA, Smart or other local groups to help support me in my recovery and I hope you give it a try if you need it too. People are far more friendly in AA then I’ve found in any other social situation and that’s great!

Groups! Who Knew Other People’s Thoughts Could Help Your Own

I have experienced several types of mental health groups. From counselor/treatment centre facilitated to AA/NA voluntary participation groups. I have never made it passed 2 sessions with the structured counselor/set groups. Some of the reasons were I wasn’t ready for a 3 hour session, I already knew most of what was being taught, and my attention span was extremely shortened because I was still using/drinking a ton. I also didn’t find I connected with the facilitator which I thought wouldn’t be a bad thing but it left me not wanting to go back to the group.

Groups can help, though I am sure they aren’t for everybody. I am not a very shy person (most of the time) but then why did it take me almost 3 years to get back to going to a recovery group? I guess it was just a loss in interest, I didn’t think they helped and just plain not enough energy to bother. I just wasn’t ready and I didn’t want to see people succeeding and changing their lives sober.

I also attended a mental health group that is run by the local mental health association but is “peer run” meaning the person facilitating also has experience with mental health issues. This can be different from, for example, the Smart Recovery group I attended where a facilitator (but not former addict) runs the group.

Does it really matter if the facilitator has personally experienced the problem the group faces? I don’t think so. I have met facilitators or group leaders that have been an addict act totally preachy and had facilitators with no mental health/addiction problems who were extremely insightful. For me it’s more how they treat me and how I feel in the group. If I feel like they are acting pushier than my mother then I am not going to want to listen.

My final thoughts on groups is that they help. I highly recommend a person tries to go to a group for just about anything if they are feeling lonely. I wish I had made more effort in the past to attend groups. Just talking to people can increase your mood and well-being! But keep in mind not everyone may want to be there or be in the greatest mood so don’t take people’s comments/reactions too personally. They may just be having a bad day.