Posting not posting…Do it anyways even if people hate it/you/more likely anything 

#depression #borderline #mentalhealth

So if been fired/let go/ ignored I guess from several work places including a work skills employment program the last one not really my fault I’ll admit the first 2 I didn’t actually show up to work sooooo I mean what else could they do. I haven’t been posting as much as I should or want to. I’ve got the “stupid/worthless/dumb” bug which I think a lot of people get so they just don’t speak up. I used to always speak up and honestly yes you do get into a lot of fights and sometimes you lose everything, horribly and embarrassingly. But I actually like that honest person a lot more… It’s not like their life was any better or worse than mine is now (better actually) and I wasn’t left with huge regrets and inner anger.

I’m getting really tired of not being a useful person in the work sense but it is also the side effects of living in a big city with mental illness. I live in the warmest part of Canada and so everyone aspires to move here. Everyone with 20 years experience and 5 degrees and a trade making no room for fuck ups like me. I mean I’m not gonna be one of those people that are super mad and blaming the government for this…If I had a business I’d want someone who would show up too. I just can’t seem to pull myself up by my boot straps which according to physics is not really possible anyways. I can for a maybe 10 days per month…

Anyways, reading other people’s struggles with daily life who have mental illness really makes me feel OK and not like a lazy piece of shit. 

Up and down on and off…  under the water Standing On Top

I’m still struggling a lot with anger and anxiety. I think all men if only I could have my depression back and then once I got the depression back I wish I was angry again because it gave me some energy.

 my medications make me sleepy and hungry and then I go through periods where I am productive but I always feel so tired. Then I get super angry then I get scared then I want what I had before and then I get that and don’t want it. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about living according to what other people’s opinions are and I know that’s what I’m doing and it’s making me miserable. I don’t know how to stop making excuses and trying to please everyone except for myself.

Residual anxiety from taking clonazepam?  Was it even worth it? 

#clonazepam #anxiety #depression

Hello there, so I was prescribed a daily dose of clonazepam for my anxiety after a bad break up.  Eventually, my prescription ran out and it’s not a permanent solution to anything.  I think it even made me more depressed at times. 

So I have this left of worse anxiety that consists of weird air pipe tightening and heart pounding fits that last about 30 seconds to a minute. Luckily,  I’m in a state of I don’t really give a fuck so I’m not freaking out over it.  But I know I didn’t have it before… Was it worth it?  I don’t know,  I’ve never died of anxiett attack and I probably should have gone through the emotions instead.  Oh well such is the prescribed life. 

Not sure if meds or brain tired of being depressed… 

#clonazepam #depression #anxiety
Hello,  I was sick for a month and a half and I thought I would die.  I was so sick my white blood cells have increased to the point where the doctor called me in. Probably the worst flu of my short adult life.  I’ve only been an adult for 10 years but I mean I still feel like a list teenager maybe more lost now that I am an adult and when you are a teenager you think you know shit…  
So I’m on remeron now and that’s going good but it’s hard to say if I am just coming out of a slump or not as that happens throughout the year. I still have the tiredness and regular underlying melancholy of life under me but I have drive.  Drive to clean my room,  do work books, go to the gym and hopefully go back to work. It’s a welcome change and I’m a bit more excited for 2017. I hope to be more passive than aggressive and not passive aggressive anymore! 

Anxiety and getting stuff together…do things always go wrong or I just notice the worst…

….I think that I just notice the worst. So many obstacles seem to just get in the way. Plus my struggle with lack of being able to breathe and chest pains that come more frequently than ever. I have to convince myself I am ok with dying to be able to calm down. It just seems every time I try to pull my life together I get sick or my car dies or SOMETHING happens but I also know I am just being hypersensitive and this is just life. Everything for me is a huge catastrophe although it’s not as bad as I used to make it.

Drink free (as I should be)…. 

My meds don’t work 100% at the moment and I swear anything ativan or Valium like only works once then your tolerance or at least mine is (it takes double the amount to work the next time). I’ve spoken with many people and either they are like me or get completely fucked up off of a tylenol 3 no matter how many times they have taken it. 
I still blaze and I also have tolerance problems with that so I try to just keep smoking down to once a week or put days in between.  Well,  I’ve been super sick but also sober for almost 2 weeks now.  I’ve seen not so much a decrease in depression but an increase in my cognitive capabilities.  I’m very sensitive about “how smart I am” or “witty” or quickly I’m cruising through life so this gives me some encouragement to keep myself from drinking. Also it’s expensive and one beer is 154 calories. I love beer but it shows lately so I’m hoping to lose some of my beer gut considering I would drink a 6 pack and then some in a day. There have been a few stressful moments where I wanted to give in but nah too expensive not worth it. 

Being sick when depressed… 

I’ve been battling the worst flu of my adulthood. Normally I get better within a day or two. Now I’m going onto 5 days and should see a doctor.  The only reason I haven’t is because I don’t feel safe to drive. 
I used to sort of enjoy being because it gave an excuse for being down and not accomplishing anything.  I also got sympathy and extra care. I don’t really get it anymore and now I am still hard on myself when I’m sick. 

I get sick very easily and it often happens after a period where I do accomplish great things. Sometimes it cuts me off of my winning streak and it makes me even more pissed off to be sick. I’ve tried all kinds of vitamins and still take all kinds because I don’t want to be low on anything and have that get in the way of my already low energy. 
Being sick all the time is a big burden especially if your already down so I guess I will have to keep it in mind…. 
#depression

Good little article on medication requirements 

​https://themighty.com/2016/11/dealing-with-judgment-for-taking-anti-anxiety-medication/

Weening off clonazepam and restless leg syndrome…. 

So I have restless syndrome and it’s not even a fake disease because I got my genetics done with 23andme (I recommend)and I have the gene for it. 
I don’t want to be dependent on  clonazepam any longer but like any benzo the withdrawals are terrible.  I get so itchy I think I’m going to scratch my skin off.  And of course the worse rebound anxiety and nausea.  It also triggers my restless leg syndrome and makes it worse.  

Honestly,  I wish I was never given an ativan,  clonazepam or any other benzo in my life…. 

Weening off clonazepam and restless leg syndrome…. 

So I have restless syndrome and it’s not even a fake disease because I got my genetics done with 23andme (I recommend)and I have the gene for it. 
I don’t want to be dependent on  clonazepam any longer but like any benzo the withdrawals are terrible.  I get so itchy I think I’m going to scratch my skin off.  And of course the worse rebound anxiety and nausea.  It also triggers my restless leg syndrome and makes it worse.  

Honestly,  I wish I was never given an ativan,  clonazepam or any other benzo in my life and