Book of my life, at this point in my life

Love this comic!!


Imgurrr anti cutting technique??

If anyone needs to talk i'm here for you. bc we're a family :)

Maybe?? I think it works better than “talking it out”.

Yay ! My favorite adventure

“Every Single Day, you make a choice(to be happy or not happy)” Reasons when your brain chemistry off (or connections are loose) this doesn’t APPLY

I am doing so not so well this past week (years?).


but noooooooooooooooo. 

My logical brain is like yeah kinda want to finish my homework, maybe dance, read  blah blah get ready for next week. I generally am ok or at least neutral.

My other part of my brain says, FUCK NO, you must feel like every possible thing in the universe bad has JUST happened and also you are about to die from starvation. The best solution is to curl into a ball and sob loudly until you are extremely shaky and thinking deeply about just trying to end it all.

So when I see this

You DON’T have a choice, you may have the mind set of the guy on the right but your body and mind are trying so hard to keep you (actually far worse) than the guy on the left.

Scientific ‘merican distracted mind = decreased intelligence



Ugh, the photo above I snapped from an article, in February’s latest Scientific American Mind, reminds me of how I probably look when I’m studying and thinking to myself, why am I learning this? I will never use it again, most likely, it won’t get me a super awesome job or even a decent paying one.

Well, all this contemplation and not total concentration apparently and not surprisingly has a toll on your mental capacity. Surprise. It makes perfect sense and I’m not really sure why they have to explicitly state it but it was the topic of the article…. I know that when I’m hungry I just cannot concentrate at all. The same goes as mentioned in the article, for mental illness related obsessive compulsive thoughts such as, I feel like crap, I’m depressed, I’m fat I’m going to fill fail etc . I am not surprised.

I think maybe a lot of people don’t realize this fun fact, since this is a topic of an article. I also think that is especially with youth they might be thinking about are worrying about going home, lunch time, bullying, what they look like etc. (I know I did…) and maybe that is why they’re doing so poorly in school. I don’t know why its such a hard concept to grasp but I got a lot of trouble for not really paying attention constantly for 6 hours which is ridiculous, adults don’t even do that! They don’t give much of a solution except for give yourself a break (lots of breaks), and get exercise spend time with people (pretty much the standard self help protocol now in days).  They don’t mention meditate but I’m hoping this will help me.. So maybe I shouldn’t be as hard on myself for not being super concentrate-ed!

Here comes the RAIN Again! Recognize what is happening, Allow life to be just as it is, Investigate inner experience with kindness, Non-identification

Once a  week, for 3 hours, I have my Mindfulness Meditation elective course, which involves yoga, meditation, practice reflections, we recently had a 6 hour silent day which was awesome! It’s actually a Social Work studies course but I decided to take it as an elective.  Being in the moment is still extremely challenging, especially when I am super mad/depressed for really no reason...I am getting better at meditating, I think, and focusing! : D!!!!

Today we learnt about RAIN! I love acronyms!! They help me with remembering stuff, including school type stuff, but they have some sort of magical power on the human brain to actually STICK.

Here is the article I read about RAIN, well this one has a bunch of added personal stories and a few differences, I probably read an older version.

R Recongnizing what is happening—-In your body, mind, inside.

A Allow life to Just be! —-”Alright, this feels really extra super terribly crappy” Muuuussst let be…..Consent to grief, frustration, anger.

I Investigate with most kind touch possible! FUCK, I don’t wanna feel like this anymore, WHY does it happen at the most random times? Stupid idiot self…No, it’s ok, actually most people would feel the same way in the situation, it is ok. Just feel, let be…Ask, gently: “What most wants attention?” “How am I experiencing this in my body?” or “What am I believing?” or “What does this feeling want from me?”….

N Non-identification: I am not my feelings, though they may be intense and I feel as if they dictate my life, it is not the true “me” to be angry for no reason or constantly sad.


Also why I don’t believe a kind caring dude up in the sky has everyone in the worlds back simultaneously…

Beyond Anti-depressants….Dexamethasone? Preserve brain, chillax.

I recently read this article since it popped up on my Facebook homepage which I frequent way too frequently….from psychcentral. I have heard of many of the alternative treatments mentioned as well as drugs. There are a few I hadn’t quite heard of yet such as Dexamethasone…

So I did a bit of research myself, apparently there had been a study on this drug which is also in my eye drops(maybe I should drink my eye drops…although…that seems like a very expensive way to consume this drug)…back in 1996 that looks significant enough for further research. It was a small sample size and I am not really sure why they didn’t pursue it further probably because it’s a readily available drug and they can’t really make any money off of it, which unfortunately determines research areas. At least “they” according to the article are now relooking at this drug as an option.

I do also agree with this quote from the article, ““Chronic stress is believed to be the leading cause of depression,” the authors write.” And I think I do have a habit of becoming super duper unrealistically stressed OVER THINGS THAT YEAH I SHOULDN’T BE REALLY…And I am getting better or maybe just tired of being stressed over relatively uncontrollable things such as THE FUTURE….Stress has probably done quite a bit of damage to my brain already, as I can feel it in my memory which has become a lot worse than it used to be. I am hoping and it seems to show this kind of self-induced brain damage is reversible and maybe I can become good at learning and remembering things again as it is quite the useful ability. Also, I think I mentioned that my telomeres are shorter than people my age and that was also probably, research is showing, stress related….Oh well, doesn’t necessarily mean I will die significantly sooner but I believe it is non reversible. Maybe they were shorter from the start…Well, I often don’t feel like I deserve to chill out, or I should be worrying about something or something bad will happen. And I am maturing and realizing that THIS STRATEGY TO LIFE DOES NOT WORK….EVER….so I will prepare the best I can for shit and chill more (I’ve done my own life experiments….bad things and good things happen equal sorta amounts depending on circumstances regardless). Preserve brain, chill.


Happy V Day to all the benzos!!

I can relate to this article…
I honestly don’t care about valentines day or most holidays
Because well I am enthusiastic but they just don’t turn out well so enjoy this great article that sums up life and life’s best chemicals .

“Clearly there is wisdom in cultivating acceptance”-Kabbat-Zin