In my mind….

I relate to this song….I have spent much time thinking I will be better, back to a size 0, not get super drunk with friends on weekends and getting up and doing morning yoga. And being in a good career where I have power and money and making a difference in the world. But yeah….no…I’m turning 25 and I still can’t decide if I want to finish my Bachelor’s in Science in Biochem because I know there are no jobs for “just that” or to go to grad school (people are like nooo takes so long you will be poor and u should do a trade…). Or switch over to comp sci since I have the first year of that done….Or maybe just finish the B.A. I was working no since it would be super easy and also not lead to work…..I would settle for a size 6-8 srsly, probs not gonna happen with the drugs I need to take….

Back on dat ‘Zac-Withdrawal and Cheap drugs

So….Last week, not this past week the one before. I decided I didn’t want to pay $137.00 a month again and since my dumb psychiatrist wouldn’t sign a form so my coverage would included patented drugs.. Unless I could wait a month for an appointment so he could talk to me first… I went to a walk-in doctor and told him I was on prozac and needed a refill.

Let’s call in him the: “I don’t believe anyone has depression it’s just a phase” doc.
I will write more about him in another post.

I got my 20mg per day ‘zac and tried to take it ASAP as I was already in withdrawal from Cymbalta.

Now I have been on the prozac before but I eventually switched to CYMBALTA (Zac had failed me). In which, I HAD NO PROBLEMS OR WITHDRAWAL SYMPTOMS FROM THIS SWITCH…..
So I thought oh well, both are SSRIs and I should be fine.

I wasn’t. I got kinda desperate actually and self-upped my dose to 40mg a day. And it went kinda down hill from there. The withdrawal from the Cymbalta could not be cured and I was depressingly sick (physically and mentally). I tried drinking and doing fun things with my friends but I was soooo tired and nauseated and just felt like shit.

I would like to add to this rigorous story….but not now……

FOR MORE INFO ON CYMBALTA WITHDRAWAL:Google it (like me), or read this lovely tumblr blog (there is an ask me section!!)

Very true….

I fee like this is me with friends a lot of the time. Even at work rarely. I found this on imgur. Some miserable people who don’t laugh or smile are actually quite content. I am pretty much the opposite.

more imgur fun facts and photographssssss

Sometimes I feel like this when drinking too much coffee to try to get me out of a depressive slumber. Then I worry about all the shit I have to do and catch up on and yeah really is an impending doom : )

You can click on the photo if you want to see some other fun facts.

Mental HEALTH PROMOTIONS! My experience before the labels and coming out of the “closet of the dark (but still technically being in it forever)”…..

I am happy that people have come out and openly talked about having depression. It is much less awkward than the fascination I had with other fellow students in high school looking for their scars, hearing rumors of suicide attempts and looking for more specific scars. This started when I was 11, in elementary school (as my district didn’t have middle school, just straight from being a baby to be in a school with 18 year old boys..with cars…which I dated).

I thought this one girl would be pretty happy but then again she cried if she didn’t get 100% on a test and I kinda thought of her as a stuck up person for that. They would often let her redo tests because of it. I, at the time, didn’t care at all about grades, school, learning etc. so couldn’t relate. My friend has told me she cuts herself up like her older brother, and of course I looked at her arms. All I can remember is large cuts in the shape of hearts.

There was another popular guy, popular because he was soooo nice to everyone and his mom was the librarian, and he rocked a cool curly fro. Someone told me he attempted suicide when we were in grade 6, (I think we talked about it a year later though). So eventually, at a party I did get a glimpse of his wrists and yeah they were the thick, small but deep slashes you see on “attempted suicide” wrists. Poor guy.

I didn’t start cutting until I was 14, I think. I saw it more in high school. The designated “emo/goth” kids flaunted them. I didn’t relate because I feel it is so deeply personal, I wouldn’t want to share it with the world or show anyone my weakness.  Cutting can be seen as a weakness, cry for help or even a strength. “That chick must be tough and crazy if she can slash HERSELF up…”

In conclusion, other depressed people fascinated me and also other people with low self-esteem I guess you can say because I had no idea what was going on in my head 90% of the time…

Rainy Brain, Sunny Brain by Elaine Fox, (Mine is most def rainy but so is the weather here so u know….)

I read about Rainy brain sunny brain in Scientific American Mind as they are going to start producing apps that train your brain to notice the positive over the negative, the good over the bad. I most DEFINITELY notice the negative. I hate watching the news! I don’t really like hearing negative things, well to a degree. I mean when I am severely depressed, with low self-esteem then i probably shouldn’t watch sad movies or search on the imgur for pics of cutting, anorexia etc.

The book is researched based and all studies are referenced in the back of the book which is nice. It’s not a self help book or training program itself. I learnt about how happy or more normal people’s brain’s work. How they think and how I would also like to think like that.

A few interesting points from the book.

• The best emotional regulators are the happiest people (in one study involving emotional regulating) These people can also amplify their emotions if they want to!
• Elaine emphasized that “most people are highly resilient and bounce back from problems quickly.” (Kinda find it hard to believe but we would probably all die and society and the planet would fall apart if this weren’t true. : ) ).
• Having perceived control over any aspect of life (or all would be DA BEST!) makes people happy and live longer. (no surprise here).
• “Optimal experiences” most often make people happy. Such as being in the zone in sports, playing piano (was my thing when an angry teen), or meditating (still can’t do that). I will explore this notion more!
• There was also a study mentioned where they counted anti-bodies and added stress and saw a nice correlation between get sick more often and being distressed/unhappy. This is a big one for me as one of my obsessions is worrying about getting sick.

Glad I rented the book from the library as it basically has given me many concepts to look into and not an instruction manual for change. I am also late with it so I will return today hopefully, if I remember…

Waking up sick- when having a nap doesn’t work to cure the crappy I’m feeling…

… I know I am legitimately depressed. I feel tired. I feel like I have the flu. I feel nauseated. I don’t think I have the energy to deal with something. I take a nap. When my life is good, naps can help me plenty. When I am not, i can feel worse, usually I still feel however I felt before the nap. Although, under low stress or if I know I have tons of time to rest (weeks) then it can work sorta better. This is a good indicator of how well I am doing.

To try grandma’s pill or not to try grandma’s pills…

My drugs don’t work. Cymbalta works, sort of, the withdrawal sucks so much everytime I go off… And it does “take the edge off” the edge being a knife and other self destructive things. Although, not always, and as much as I want it to. My mother looked up the drug my grandma had been on from the 80′s to her death. It’s a tricyclic anti-depressant. Which are hardcore with hard core side effects, in fact, so hard core it recommends that the person stay in the psych ward as they will be sedated from it for the first week and might go extra crazy…. This is weird because it actually got my grandma out of her previously sedated state.
It is called maprotiline. I have never been on a tricyclic anti depressant as they are rarely prescribed anymore.

I may try it but that is a difficult thing to do as psychiatrists want to do whatever the newest best things are. (Mine still thinks its ECT) I am also looking for a new psychiatrist as well and hopefully he/she will take my medical history into consideration and isn’t in love with ECT. I can get files and stuff transferred but I don’t know what they say so I probably won’t plus they are way too disorganized at the one hospital to do anything really…and health Canada luckily isn’t putting up records online “safely” yet.

ECT? Possibly only works on older people? People who can function with memory damage?

Awesome Awesome Awesome This is exactly what ECT treatment needs!!! He has so many good points as well. I like his solution to obsessive thoughts saying “Ah Fuck it” apparently he got it from a play. A must watch! I have had ECT and I am A BELIEVAH unlike my beliefs in other things….

 

Welp, I am no longer a “BELIEVAH” as I was ranting on about last Novemberish. I mean that normalness, that normal girl, that functioning normal human being. It died….2 weeks later. So I did ECT again hoping for the same result!

NOPE, ONLY GOT SEVERE MEMORY LOSS AND SHORT TERM MEMORY DAMAGE. And I am back to being depressed.

I believe and so far just from hearing about others who have had the same kind of treatment, that IT IS NO SAFE AND THE BEST TREATMENT. It’s varies too much from person to person and I don’t think young people should get it continually cause young people kinda need their brain for things oh like university and working?

I plan on trying to spread the word, when I have time, and when I am more stable. : )

Yayayayay hyperbole and a half new one even better description of depression

http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.ca/2013/05/depression-part-two.html?m=1

This girl is da best depression explaining cartoonist person!! So glad she posted again!!!